Teaching the Basics

Once a month I help in the kid's ministry at church and once a month I have a pretty interesting blog post about some crazy thing that happened. 

Lucky for me, but unfortunately for you, yesterday was pretty subdued. Actually, it was probably the easiest Sunday of teaching I've had in the past two years. I only had to lead games and since the weather was nice, I got to take them outside. Venturing outside means I have to keep an extra eye out for some of ones who like to wander, but it also gives us a lot more freedom. 

This week, the game was pretty simple and straightforward - they basically threw objects at a target and then we chatted for a few minutes about how Jesus is our target and that we are aiming to be more like him. Usually I do a little bit better job of using the game to bring home the point of that week's message, but this week it just seemed like kind of a stretch. Plus, how on earth do you explain to a four-year-old what it means for Jesus to be our target? 

With my 4, 5, and 6 year olds, we had some extra time because the teaching part of the game quickly went south. After about five minutes I gave up and just suggested we play baseball with a big barrel, plastic bat and rubber ball we happened to have laying around. I pitched underhanded to one of the kids while the others stood way too deep in the outfield waiting on a ball that would never in a million years get hit that far. 

As the first kid got up to bat, I realized that even if these kids played baseball, at this particular age they would still be in the t-ball phase, meaning that hitting a moving target could end in a game of catch for me and the batter as he/she chased after all of his/her strikes. I took this as my golden opportunity to make sure the kids went home actually having learned something form me - if they weren't going to learn about Jesus being the target then at least they were going to learn a little about a good batting stance. 

When each kid got up to bat I took two or three minutes to make sure their hands were together on the grip, their feet were apart and in the right direction, and their hands were choked up just the right amount. Just before every pitch I would say, "Keep your eye on the ball. That's all you have to do. Keep your eye on the ball." By the time the second kid got up to bat, I couldn't help but to laugh at the whole situation. Considering the on-base percentage of our church's softball team last season, I'm not sure anyone at our church should be offering these kids batting tips.  

Still, I was shocked when every single kid got a hit within the first three pitches. One of the kids cracked me up. He took his first swing and got nothing but air. As the ball went past him he looked up at me and said, "I took my eye off the ball." I just laughed and told him it was ok. He hit the next one. 

Nothing too exciting this week. Serving in the kid's ministry may not be my absolute favorite, and most of the time I think there is no way these kids are learning anything of spiritual significance from me, but at least we might have a good softball team in 10-15 years. 

Proverbs 3

My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.

Provers 3: 11-12

Sunday was my one week each month that I volunteer in the kid's ministry instead of going to the adult service - or "big church" for those fellow Southern Baptist folks. Each time I teach the kids it's an adventure. There was that one time I taught them about Joseph and the one time I taught them about Noah. This week, I got to teach them about Jonah - more specifically, the Lord's discipline as it relates to Jonah's life. It all seemed pretty easy and straightforward and the kids were really getting it. Games went over well and the kids seemed involved during the Bible study. 

Then it came time to teach the kids this week's verse. Throughout the month of February, our entire church (including the kids) are memorizing Proverbs 3:1-12. The kids are learning it two verses at a time. This week I was supposed to teach them verses 11-12. We taught the kids hand motions that correlate with the words of the verse. I had the kids repeat the whole thing after me the first few times. Then when I felt they were ready, I stayed quiet but did the motions to help jog their memories. 

motion #1

Kids: My son...

motion #2 

Kids: do not...

motion #3

Kids: despise...

motion #4

Kids: Tebow!

my reaction

my words: Oh my gosh! Are you saying that because I'm teaching you? Tebow is not in this verse!

one of my four year olds: But in the Bible?

me: No, Tebow isn't actually in the Bible.

Apparently when I did this...

my sweet kids thought of this...

and now they were substituting Tebow for the Lord's. Great. What parents is going to believe that I did not in fact teach them this? Although I realize it is probably positive reinforcement for questionable behavior, I quickly grabbed my phone to get a video of my kids and their scripture memory. I mean, can you really blame me? I have to admit, my heart welled up with pride as soon as my kids said Tebow's name.  

That night I received two texts from parents asking why their four year old wouldn't stop saying Tebow. 

Can you get kicked out of kid's ministry?

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is an odd holiday for me. Out of the last 6 Thanksgivings, I have only spent one with my family. My Thanksgiving tradition is that all day I am overwhelmed and humbled by the love poured out on me by the people the Lord so generously puts into my life. For the past 6 years, every Thanksgiving has looked completely different then the one before, but all have been special, and every year, the Lord provides.

This year, the day started with the Turkey Trot - a 5K race hosted by the local YMCA. I ran it with Natalie, a friend from work and one of my very few female allies in the IT Department. I have no idea what our time was, but I felt like we did pretty well.

Right after the Turkey Trot, I headed to the park for the 2nd Annual Alethia Church Turkey Bowl. One of the awesome things about being a part of a new church is building traditions around the things we love. So far that has primarily been eating and football. Clearly I picked the right church.

Last year, about a week before Thanksgiving, one of the pastors sent out a church-wide email with an open invitation to play football on Thanksgiving morning. We basically had just enough people to play a game. Even though it was literally zero degrees, we had a blast. I don't know what exactly it is about sports, but it's such a great way to form quick bonds with people. Plus, the war stories are phenomenal. I mean a whole year later I'm still that girl who accidently broke a guy's nose at the 1st Turkey Bowl. Oops.

This year when I arrived at the park, our church had 4 teams on 2 different fields. Now that is something to be thankful for! If our church keeps growing like this, we may actually have to put a little bit of organization into the 3rd Annual Turkey Bowl.

Next on the day's agenda was a quick trip home to shower, change clothes and get my Thanksgiving dishes. This year I was only responsible for green beans and a dessert.

Question: If you are eating Thanksgiving dinner at your pastor's house, how inappropriate is it on a scale of 1-10 to bake a cake with Kahlua in it?

Answer: It doesn't really matter as long as it's tasty - even though it kind of capsized.

Thanksgiving 2011, the Lord blessed me once again and I ate dinner with the Bhatt family. Sam is the head pastor at my church and so much fun to be around. I met him in the summer of 2008 and never would have imagined that a few years later I would be "aunt Dani" to their kiddos and celebrating Thanksgiving at their home. Thankfully, Amber is not your typical pastor's wife and is quickly becoming one of my closest friends. Izzy and Liam are two of the cutest kids in the world. I think these two just ignored the memo that I am not a kid person and found their way straight into my heart.

Izzy is really outgoing and loves everyone, but she just has this way of making me feel so special. She is probably the most complimentary pre-schooler in the world. Every time I see her she has something sweet to say about my hair, clothes or accessories. That particular day she loved my red necklace and went upstairs to get her red necklace so we could match.

Liam cracks me up. Even at one year old, it's blatantly obvious he is the introvert in a household of life-of-the-party, extraverts. When you are as adorable as Liam people just want to hold you and play with you all the time - every week I watch complete strangers try to hold him and he just screams his head off. Then there's me, I just could care less about the cute pastor's kid liking me. The irony though is that Liam LOVES me and wants me to hold him all the time. I'm not kidding. When he just sees me in the room, he makes a b-line crawling right toward me, climbs up my leg, and yells until I pick him up. He followed me around all day and I just couldn't say no to that cute face. Lima already knows I'm a sucker for him and Izzy.

One of the things I love about Sam and Amber is that they always push me to do things I wouldn't normally do. They are the ones who call you at 10:30pm on a weeknight and tell you to get out of bed and meet them at the movie theater. That being said, I think Amber is the only person on planet earth who could convince me to take part in the Black Friday madness. We went to Kohl's at midnight and had to stand in line just to get in the store. Once we found a few bargain items, we headed to check-out, which was an hour long line by the way. As far as Black Friday shoppers are concerned, I thought people at Kohl's were pretty polite and nice. It was a rat race for sure, but a friendly rat race. I didn't find any sale items I just couldn't live without, but decided to buy a $15 Christmas sheet set. I mean who doesn't love flannel Christmas sheets? What better way to get into the holiday spirit?

Around 3am I headed home. What a day! There was so much to be thankful for just in those 24 hours. Thank you Lord for your many blessings! You are so kind to this sinner saved by grace.

Joseph and My Little Tough Mudders

A little background before I start my story. Last weekend a few of the guys at church decided to race in an event called the Tough Mudder. This thing is ridiculous. It was a 10 mile race up a ski slope that included 23 obstacles, which consisted of carrying logs up the slope, crawling through pipes in freezing water, scaling walls, and running through a field of live wire with 10,000 volt shocks, just to name a few. The boys think I will be joining them next year, but we'll have to see about that. Check out my friend Kacy's blog to see pictures of our guy's competing.

Fast forward one week and it's my Sunday to teach the kiddos at church. The lesson was on Joseph and how he had to "hang tough" and have faith through quite a few really difficult situations. The children's minister asked Matt, one of the guys who raced in the Tough Mudder, to talk to the kids about his experience and how he and the rest of the guys had to "hang tough." Matt showed the kids pictures and told them all kinds of stories. Then he setup obstacles around the room for the kids to participate in their own Tough Mudder. They were so pumped! Ever wonder what your kids do in Sunday School...well, here it is folks.

My little Tough Mudders with their team bandannas on, ready to start the race. For those of you who are wondering why I put bandannas on them, I say, why NOT put bandannas on them? AJ is in the blue hat. His only concern was if he would have to run through live wire. We told him no, and he actually seemed disappointed.

First obstacle, climbing under chairs. It wasn't but 30 seconds after I took this picture that two of my girls looked at the obstacle then looked me dead in the eye and without saying a word just shook their heads no. We had to make some modifications in order to get them to crawl under the chair, meaning I had to pick it up so they could walk under it.

Second obstacle, everyone on your team has to touch Matt's hand.

Last obstacle, racing across the room with boxes. The girls were much better at teamwork but the boys were better at the competition aspect.

My little Tough Mudders

The Tough Mudder was a hard act to follow, but with the kids at least a little worn down it was easier to get them to pay attention to the lesson. I was asked to cover the whole story of Joseph. Yeah, 14 chapters in 20 minutes. No big deal. Basically the kids got the CliffsNotes version...Joseph was the favorite son, brothers wanted to kill him, thrown into a well, sold into slavery, worked for Potiphar, Potiphar's wife told a lie about Joseph, lie put him in prison, interpreted dreams, interpreted Pharaoh's dream, second in command of Egypt, feast and famine, starving brothers came to Egypt, family drama, Joseph saves his family, Joseph is a tough mudder. I was actually making great time when one sweet little girl stopped me.

Sweet Girl: Dani, what was the lie?

Me: What lie?

Sweet Girl: You said the guy's wife told a lie about Joseph and the lie put him in prison. What was the lie?

Me: Oh, Potiphar's wife. Umm... She said he did something that he didn't do.

Sweet Girl: What did she say he did?

Me: Umm...(turning bright red)....umm....she said he did something really bad.

Sweet Girl: Well what was is?

Me: She just lied about him.

Is six too young for the sex talk? I think so. Seriously, how do you answer that question for a six year old? Someone tell me. I sure hope these kids torture the other teachers like this. Eventually the sweet girl gave up and I was able to move on, but by the next day I made several mental notes of some pretty great responses just in case this comes up again.

Option #1: It's bad to lie. It gets people in trouble. Just don't lie, about anything.
Option #2: Boys, the takeaway lesson here is to not marry a crazy woman. Repeat after me, "Don't marry someone who is crazy." Girls, don't be crazy.
Option #3: Josiah, remember last summer when you kept asking your mom why you couldn't walk around alone at the park which led to her explaining what a child molester is? Ok, well, Potiphar's wife lied about something kind of like that so kids, if you really want to know, have 6 year old Josiah explain it to you after class.
Option #4: Who wants a snack?
Option #5: You know, you should ask your teacher next week about that. I bet he/she would LOVE to answer your question!

So there you go parents, ever wonder what your kids do in Sunday School? Well, we dress them like gangsters, make them run around like crazy people, and then teach them about sex. And you thought your biggest concern was not having their name tag...

When Morgan Told Steve to Build an Ark

I am not a kid person. Why my church's children's minister and countless parents see me fit to spiritually guide their kids one Sunday a month is beyond me. But the bottom line is the kid's ministry needs able bodies so once a month I can suck it up, get over my fear of kids, and try and teach them something about the Bible.

Last Sunday was my week and I have to say, initially I felt like I got a pretty sweet deal. Our church is studying Hebrews 11 for the next few weeks so in the kid's ministry we were talking about Noah and his great faith. Considering our church's last series was on Hosea, I felt like the Lord was showing favor on me by giving me an easy one.

Things started out pretty great. I laid out a big piece of paper and the kids drew pictures of the things they already knew about Noah.

Then we built an ark out of newspapers, paper bags, and some other random things.

We even worked on memorizing their key verse.

Then it happened....the children's minister came downstairs to lead the "story enhancement" time. He showed the kids a clip of Evan Almighty. Again, I know nothing about kids, but even I knew this was not a good idea. How do you explain symbolism to a five year old? Please, someone tell me.

Sure enough, a few seconds into the clip sweet Campbell who is going to start kindergarten in a few months says to me, "Dani, is that what God looks like?" Before I could even answer another little boy yelled, "No Campbell, that isn't what he looks like in my Bible."

All I could think was oh crap! The kiddos are now looking to me for some sort of explanation. Hmm...where should I even start? I can't wait until the parents hear about this one. What happens when these sweet kids inevitably see Morgan Freeman in another movie and start telling their parents that he is God. Or better yet, when reruns of The Office come on TBS it's just going to be swell when they ask their dad why Noah is sitting at a desk instead of building an ark.

At this point none of the kids are paying any attention to the video. They are all waiting to hear my answer. I told sweet Campbell and the other kids that God does not look like an older black man (because if you've read The Shack you obviously know God is a black WOMAN).

When the children's minister saw my struggle he turned the video off and started to explain to the kids that this was just a movie and it was made to help us learn a lesson about who God is. I actually think it was made to create revenue, but it didn't matter because the kids seemed satisfied with the answer. Things were starting to look up, well, until the children's minster told the kids that no one knows what God looks like because if they ever saw his face they would die.

If you are in shock reading this you can imagine my face while it was happening. Thank you children's minister for that wonderful time of story enhancement. Maybe next week we can watch Indiana Jones so the kids can see someone's face melt off.

Of course now that story enhancement is over, the children's minister can skip back upstairs to join the adult service. Me? Oh, I get to try and convince the kids to sing and jump around while we worship the God who is going to kill them if they happen to see his face.

The good news is that by the time the parents came everyone seemed to have recovered. I can only imagine the stories that were told over lunch though. Oh the joys of kid's ministry...

If you had one day to live, who would you spend it with?

According to some 89 year old crazy man in California, today is supposed to be my last day on earth. Naturally I wanted to spend it with one of the sweetest guys I know. Meet my friend Noah.

Noah's Birthday was this week and I promised him a special Birthday date, just me and him. I surprised him with a trip to the zoo.

The weather was perfect and luckily most people found more exciting places to spend their last day on earth so there was barely anyone there.

As soon as we got there we made a b-line to the giraffes. Noah wasn't too keen on feeding them, probably because their tongues looked like this...

After a few minutes, I convinced Noah to feed the baby giraffe...
but after feeding him one cracker, he was ready to move on to a new exhibit.

Noah was much more comfortable posing in front of this giraffe.

The mountain lions were asleep, but Noah was sure to show me what they look like in attack mode.

Noah begged me to let him ride the carousel. I have a hard time telling that sweet face "no," and seeing as how this was his special Birthday date, he got whatever he wanted.

The grizzly bears were one of my favorites. You have to climb up into the mountain to see them, but it was well worth it.
You get to walk right up to the glass and watch the grizzlies fish for their lunch. The whole time I was secretly hoping he wouldn't get a fish. All the kids seemed so excited, but I bet that excitement would fade really quickly if they actually watched this giant bear catch, mutilate and eat one of those little fish. Luckily, the bear got sidetracked with a toy and the fish lived to see another day.Noah was more excited about the fish then he was the bear. He told me that if he was inside the cage he would jump in the water, catch the fish, and throw them into a bucket so the bear could not get them. He also said he wanted a pet hippopotamus so that he could train it to fight bad guys.

Next up were the tigers. We managed to time it almost perfectly so that we got to see the "Tiger Show." I'm seriously considering writing the zoo a letter because I would not consider a 20 something girl throwing raw meet into his cage a "show," but at least the tiger got close enough for me to get this picture.
Noah was way more interested in becoming a tiger then he was in the tiger feeding. Honestly, I can't say I blame him.

Noah may have been intimidated by giraffes, but he was all about feeding the birds. He was so sweet and patient with them. We would have stayed in there feeding birds all day if I could stand it. About 45 minutes into feeding them I finally told Noah we needed to, "Give other kids the chance to feed them." I remember my parents saying that to me when I was a kid. I used to think it was to teach me the importance of sharing, but now I'm starting to wonder if they too were just bored with our latest obsession.

Right after pulling Noah away from the birds, we went to see the wallabies. As we were looking at them, an older lady came up to me and mentioned there was a baby one further down the path that Noah could pet. She was right. Just a few feet away the sweetest old man was holding a baby wallaby wrapped in a blanket in his lap. The man pulled Noah right up on the bench next to him so that he could pet it.

Next it was time for a little snack. Mmmm, chocolate!

Our final stop for the day was the reptile house. I was praying all day that Noah would forget about the need to see the snakes, but he just kept asking.

To say that I am scared of snakes is the understatement of the year. I am deathly terrified. In fact, just looking at this picture makes my heart think we are running a marathon. On my family vacations any snake exhibit is totally off limits. At theme parks my Dad is the one who holds everyone's stuff while we ride the roller coasters, and at zoo's, I am the one who gets a snack and stands outside the snake house until everyone is done. One time my parents forced me to go inside and I started hyperventilating. My mom had to practically carry me out, eyes closed with tears running down my face. I would love to tell you I was five, but I think I was closer to thirteen.

As Noah and I walked up one of the million hills at the zoo to the snake house I kept tying to convince myself that there was nothing to be afraid of. The snakes are in cages, I am totally safe, and Noah really wanted to see them. As we approached the house of doom, I slowly opened the door as Noah jumped in front of me and pushed right through. I took three steps inside and noticed Noah was no longer at my side. As my eyes darted around the room I found him huddled with another boy around an older woman. Then to my terror I realized the woman was holding a live snake, HOLDING it...meaning it was not in a cage. I froze. The lady sat Noah down next to her in a great position assuming I would want a picture of him petting the snake. It was all I could do to hold the camera steady enough to get a few shots. After a few minutes Noah skipped off and asked me to go with him to see the other snakes. I would have loved to, but those cages were all sitting behind the lady holding the spawn of satan. I just couldn't make my feet walk toward it, so I told Noah the room was really crowded and that he should just go and look. He persisted, but there was no way he could win this one. I stood by the door frozen in fear, hoping he didn't notice, until he was ready to go.

When we were walking down the hill Noah asked me why I didn't pet the snake. I told him snakes are not my favorite, but he insisted the lady told him it was a nice snake. I resisted the urge to tell him the woman was a dirty liar and all snakes are miserable creatures that smell your fear from a mile away. I didn't want to be responsible for instilling terror in this sweet boy. Noah told me that he hoped next time I would pet the snake and that he hoped when I did pet a snake he could be there to see it. I think he is going to be waiting a long time...

This is how we spent most of the day. Noah holding my hand and pointing out every little detail of his day. He was never at a loss for conversation topics.

I could not have imaged or planned a better day in a more beautiful place. Happy Birthday Noah! Thank you for a great date. I love you.